O, for the love of a friend
Who can be made the sacred trustee of my heart;
One who is more to me than the closest relative;
One whose very name is so sacred that I want to whisper it softly;
One who lingers near my door in time of distress,
And stretches forth his hand,
Which is not empty or cold,
And who may only say little, but feels largely.
Mae Lawson
One particular week, about a month ago, as I was cruising around blogland, it seemed that everywhere I looked, I saw posts about loneliness, depression, loss of identity, and, often the common thread? The lack of friends. Not only did I read the posts, but in many cases I read the comments as well. Comments filled by dozens of readers who nodded in agreement with the author (in some cases, I was one of them). I think it’s safe to assume that for every brave soul who put herself and her feelings out there for the world to see in the form of a post or comment, there existed at least one other sweet soul who felt the same way, but didn’t want anybody else to know.
Why is this so pervasive? Why are so many of us depressed, friendless, and alone? – I began searching for the answers by taking a poll and asking how many of you DID have deep friendships in your life right now. Not just acquaintances, but the true-blue thing. People you can call anytime, about anything. People who know what is going on in your life. People who aren’t afraid to call you out when they see you living in damaging patterns. People you can let your hair down with. People you can be around with no make up on (literally and figuratively). People who invite you over to share peanut butter sandwiches and bottom-of-the-bag chip crumbs!
The answers I got back were very mixed. A few said yes, lots said no, some said yes-but-they-live-in-different-states and so weren’t true “do life together” friends…
But the most surprising answer I got from many of you was this: that you did have a circle of friends that were slightly beyond surface acquaintances, and were people you could call on to borrow a stick of butter from, but they were not deep bosom friends. And (here was the surprise) the reason why they weren’t, was because you didn’t have the time to invest in nurturing those friendships into something deeper. – Wow. Interesting…
Have we hit something here?
I know we’re busy girls, but when we are too busy for friendship? Those of us who are married do have a built-in best friend, it’s true, but I still feel like the importance of other females and couples investing in and enriching our lives is pretty up there at the top of the list for living a healthy, well-rounded life. -
Not to mention how much BEING a true friend helps us to grow in kindness, and encourages us to not focus so exclusively on ourselves and our problems all the time. Which in turn, helps us maintain a general outward focus, making us positive, contributing members of society.
Ok, let’s pause for a question: how many of you believe that there is a perfect soul-mate out there for you? Maybe you’ve already found him! Maybe you’re still looking…but irregardless…do you believe in the concept? Now: how many of you believe that there are perfect friend-mates out there for you as well? People you were meant to be connected to in this world? Whose life is more complete because you are a part of it, and vice versa? I do.
Trust me girls, I know what the meaning of busy is, and I fight against that word defining my life everyday…but I truly want to make room for friendship in my life. – I want it to be high up on my priority list everyday. My life is richer, fuller, more balanced, complete, and less me-focused when good friends are a part of it. – Is yours?
If so, if you’re desiring more friendship, deep friendship in your lives, and you’re willing to invest some time in nurturing it, will you come back this week and dialogue about it? Let’s explore together what deep friendship looks like, what things keep us from pursuing and cultivating friendships, and maybe even how we can grow in being a better friend ourselves.
Join me?
Here are the topics we’re covering this week:
Going Deeper in Friendship
Insecurity and Friendship
Friendship and the World Wide Web
Linked to Weekend Bloggy Reading at Serenity Now
Kristin, you’re so right about this. I also blame technology because it fools us into a sense of community when really we’re only keeping surface relationships with the people in our lives. Sometimes I just want to reach across the table and chunk cell phones out the window. We are too connected and not connected enough at the same time. How is this possible? When someone is spending time with you and spends half that time texting, checking in and tweeting, they are not giving you their focus so it makes that interaction seem fake. We also no longer make new acquaintances easily because if you’re in a social situation where you feel uncomfortable, people tend to pull out their phones and entertain themselves instead of trying to interact with strangers. Cell phones are shields and crutches. I think I might do a whole post about this now that my comment has gotten to be so long lol!
Suffice it to say I’m with you on this!
Love everything you shared Jess. Thank you! I think you SHOULD write that post. I’ll link to it later in the week
. I’ve never thought about how we can so easily entertain ourselves now, instead of go meet someone new in a social situation to avoid awkward alone-time, but that is sooo true. Ugh.
This was wonderful and insightful Kristin. And I think you hit the nail on the head with the busy thing! I bet SO MANY of us really desire truer, deeper friendships, but are unwilling or unable to put the time in. Because it DOES require time. And effort. And actually thinking about what you can do to reach out to people, and then doing it.
I know for me, a lot of times I second guess myself when it comes to what type of friend I should be to others–sometimes I just assume they already have all the friends they need, and wouldn’t want anything too deep with me. But I bet that’s what MOST people assume, and so those deep friendships go unforged.
Great discussion Kristin… and you my dear, have taught me so much about what it means to be a GOOD, true friend. I mean that.
Jenni. Thank you! You are so very kind. <3 I think you’re right about us all assuming that everybody we know already has all of their “friend slots” filled up – especially when it seems that they are always going out and doing fun stuff with people – or constantly talking about how very busy they are.- But, if all of those relationships are surface-y at best, then in reality, they are likely very lonely people. And as you say, what could be a fabulous relationship – goes unforged. Wouldn’t it just be easier if we all had a sign around our necks: “Looking for deep friendships”?! Then perhaps we wouldn’t second guess ourselves so much when deciding to take the plunge and pursue more with somebody. But that subject is for another day…if I have the guts to actually hit “publish” on my InSeCuRiTy post.